Melted hearts

Ur smile melt me... I love you son...

Mama & Papa doa may your smile kekal sampai ke akhir hayat... 

Luka, incision C-Sect berdarah

Started minggu lepas, i saw that my incision was watery at one end and there was some blood on the other. Teringat the nurses pesan banyak kali haritu before discharge sowh datang balik to the hospital if i see any blood. Walaupun sesikit mane.

I didn't thinkmuch of it. Alaaa... Sikit je, esok lusa kering lah tu. Mmg betul kering, tapi after a day die start watery balik. Still i ignored. Kiki dah bising2 kata nak hantar ke spital, but i insisted im alright. 

Padan muka, it got worse and smalam ada blood kat tempat lain pulak. So i was literally forced to the spital by encik somi smalam. 

Bukan tak nak pegi pun before this, tapi time ni lah nak tido coz dah kepenatan semalaman berjage. Okay, smalam gi gak. Kene register kat PAC (time ni rasa macam reliving the moments nk pergi menyerah diri nk bersalin aritu... kuikuikuiikui) and tunggu doc check.

Boleh tak i tanya nurse "Lama ke..? Coz i ada nursing baby kat dalam kete ngan my hubby." Sebenarnyer terpaksa bawak Ilan skali pasal Mama & Ayah takde kat rumah. Ni case TERPAKSA and bukan nak MENYEKSA mmkay.

Nurse tu kate, takpelah leh bawak baby tunggu skali kat dalam and diorg pinjamkan baby cott frm L&D. Yeay! Bawak masuk Ilan skali sambil tunggu Doc panggil. Rase serba salah pun ada psl yg duduk on my left and right are pregnant patients waiting to be checked for numerous issues. Ade gak case keguguran.. So bile diorg tgk Ilan, nampak muka diorg cam sedih je.. And masyallah, anakku time ni lah nk menangis sekuat2 nya. Kita pun bagi lah nenen. Tak puas gak, nampak Kiki kat luar and tgk rupanye dia poopoo. Nasib baik my encik somi ni very the hands on. Die pun amik Ilan bwk gi tukar diapers. Alhamdulillah, syukran ya Allah for a wonderful hubby.. I couldn't be any happier. 

Psst.. Pandai anak mama berlakon. Macih nak! pasal Ilan laju jer mama settle semua hal. kukiukiukiukiu

I THINK, because of Ilan's super screams, my name was called up first! laju hokay.. Tak sampai 15 minit tunggu doc dah call nama. Ni sumthing yg sangat sangat unexpected. Doc check incision tu, die tekan2, pastu dia kata nampak cam superficial tapi ada gak terbukak, but not deep. Cammane dia tau tak deep? Dia cucuk kat wound tu ngan a long stick. Dia nak tgk stick tu tembus sampai dalam mane. Tgk stick tu je dah ngeri, apa lagi bila dia kate dia nak poke. haisey man.. Menyesal pegi check pun ada.

Then bila semua dah checked, i was told to get my wound dressed EVERYDAY for a week at the nearest KK. Then to have it examined kat hospital in a week.Now im on antibiotics and painkillers. Painkillers tu makan smalam je, slagi leh tahan sakit, kita tahan. 

So arini lom pegi lagik KK. Maybe malam, macam malas pun ada. Tgk lah mcm mana nanti. 

*Sorry post ni tarak gambar psl takkan nak tunjuk gambar wound kite plak kan? kang batal pose korang muntah2*

New Beginnings - Minggu pertama

Day 1 @ home

Ilan Aydeen - 3 days 

Mmg tak nafikan, the first few days was the toughest. I was discharged on the 3rd day. Alhamdulillah, Ilan pun discharged frm NICU pagi tu. Nanti kite story ye psl knape bby masuk NICU.

1st time dapat betul2 hold baby Ilan Aydeen. Time ni kat NICU

Lepas breastfeed buat kali pertama... Rase sedih nak tinggalkan die.. :'(

On the way balik, kitorg stuck dlm jam teruk. Dlm krete semua org tense psl lama sgt dlm jam n diorg semua dh keletihan. Al maklumlah, br berpuasa n dh nk dkt waktu berbuka.. And i dh penat n sakit pinggang.

Smp rumah Ilan Aydeen dh lapar sgt, so breastfeed lh dia. Mmg time ni susu blm ada, juz ada colustrum or 'first milk'. Quantity pun xlh byk sgt. Ilan Aydeen pun tk pandai latch bebetul lg. So sgt sgt sakit bila dia isap nipple and die suck and chomp on it sekuat mungkin. Maybe psl die tak puas nyusu.

Psl ni jgk dia dok menangis non-stop. Lapar lh tuee. Kesian pun ada, tapi tatau nk buat mcm mane, try to dodoikan die, tapi die tak stop gak nangis. Rasa dunia ni cam terbalik sat. Rasa runsing, penat, sedih, semua campur jadik satu. I seriously felt helpless and stressed out.

Day 2 @ home
Ilan Aydeen - 4 days 

Boobs dah start membengkak. Rase2 time ni dah ada susu kott. Ilan Aydeen still tak pandai latch bebetul and since nipple kite besar and mulut die kecik sgt, die nk isap pun susah. Masih merengek lagik. Time paling best is bila mandikan dia and die so tenang lepas kita belai2 die, sapu minyak kat badan die lepas mandi. Sorry, mmg ramai kata kenapa dah start guna pacifier. Its too early. Tapi kan, you should hear his cries and screams. Serious tak sampai hati. 

Ketenangan lepas mandi. Paci is bigger than the face!

Banyak time bonding ngan die. Paling best bile die rest kat chest kita. Diapers count - UNCOUNTABLE! Ilan Aydeen is the official 'poop machine'. Tapi takpe, at least kite tau die healthy. Memula kekok gak nk salinkan and mandikan dia, but i learned fast and all from instinct. Cewaah.

Day 3 @ home
Ilan Aydeen - 5 days

Sebenarnyer time ni agak runsing coz we're in the midst of house moving, so mcm2 yg my hubby kene settlekan. I was left to tend to myself. Time ni, boobs dah mengeras macam batu. Nothing helps! Susu banyak tapi touch sikit pun dah sakit gler, apa lagi nk bagi boobs kat Ilan Aydeen. Nk pump, but dalam kalut masa nk discharge tu, hubby misplaced the pump. Haiyaark! 

Dah nangis dah time ni. Macam mana ni? Apa nak buat?? Sakit dah sgt!

Day 4 @ home
Ilan Aydeen - 6 days

Boobs dah makin sakit. Kita dah tuam, dah urut, still sakit. Menangis bagai nk rak. Time ni gak lah incision kita sakit. Nak baring tak boleh, actually, takleh nk change from one position to another. rasa macam the incision terbukak. It doesn't help too that we know there's no sutures and the wound is held together with glue. 

Ilan time ni pun kerap dah bangun malam. At least tiga kali for feeding. Pagi tu betul2 break down nangis kat Kiki. Cakap kat die yang badan kite ni dah mcm nak demam and sakit giler. Spine sakit, wound sakit, vajayjay sakit (yg ni tatau kenapa), boobs sakit and plus kita takleh nk tido.

Dah rasa nk give-up and beli formula dah coz kesian kat Ilan Aydeen macam tak cukup breastmilk (BM). Kita berdoa banyak2 yang this phase will go away and dapat carik satu solution. Pagi tu jugak call my cousin mintak pinjam pump.

Day 5 @ home
Ilan Aydeen - 7 days

Yeay! Alhamdulillah, dapat pinjam pump! And after pumping, Boobs kita yg engorged macam batu tu pun dah susut.. 

Ilan Aydeen pun dapat lah menyusu. For a time being, kita tak bagi boobs dulu pasal nipples kita chapped and bleeding. So pump into bottles and bg BM thru bottle feeding. Takpelah nak, sorry ye, bukan taknak bagi, but for a time being its better like this.

And... Jeng jeng jeng.. Tali pusat Ilan Aydeen tanggal on this day! Genap die 7 hari!!

Tali pusat dah tanggal! Yippee!!

My Birth Story: Welcoming Ilan Aydeen

At the last check-up, i was given the final induction date. I'm to be admitted on 6th July 2013 to be induced, or as they call it, IOL. That's exactly on my 38th week of gestation.

That morning was a scary and stressed out one. Had breakfast before heading to the hospital. Checked in at 9.00 am. Doctor's checked me and as expected, i was closed; 0 cm dilated. The cervix check was uncomfortable. To note, the nurse at the registration counter told me that wards were full and those who came in yesterday was still waiting. They will only start inducing me when a bed at the induction wards become available. Waiting list is now at 11. 

I spent the next 2 nights in PAC (Patient Admission Center). It was boring but bearable as we were constantly being checked on for CTG's and doctors review. The day came when i was finally brought up to Ward 6C. It was roughly around 1-ish, 9th July 2013.

That afternoon at approximately 3pm, i was checked and cervix open at 2cm. Doctor's inserted me with what they called posting to soften my cervix. Contractions started and that night my contractions went off the roof. Even though bad, i could still find strength to walk around the wards in the hope that it'll help with the cervix. The nighttime nurse saw me up in pain throughout the night and said that she'll give me painkillers to help me sleep it off. She was surprised that with my high contractions i could still hold on. I guess its thanks to my high pain threshold. 

Contractions went crazy intense, lasted longer and was more frequent

That morning, i was expecting to see the pain go stronger and my cervix dilated more, but sumhow it just went away. There was still pain, but not as intense and frequent as the night before. I was checked and was at 2cm still. Doctors still wanted to do another posting.  

After the 2nd posting, stronger contractions started to develop and that later that morning, i had my 'bloody show' (that's losing the mucus plug or kembar darah). Told myself there has to be major progress. The whole day was uncomfortable for me and that night, it all started. I requested for the pain killers from the night doctor (checked and opened at 3cm).

Doctors said i'm progressing and will be having me transferred to L&D (labour & delivery) on the next available room. It was a busy week for the delivery wards. So many babies being born on that day!

Finally wheeled to L&D. My nerves got the better of me and i kinda started to worry much. This time around there was a battalion in and out of the room. There were nurses to watch over me and the doctors who came, poked, inserted tubes, poked summore and eventually broke my waters. Psst.. It is in fact painful when ur waters are being broken.

They had me started on Pitocin drip to induce labour. This time, contractions were coming in big time! It didn't help that there was a HUMONGOUS wall clock in ma' face!! I tried the breathing technique whenever a contraction came. I was also reciting all doas that i know of. 

Four hours later, docs came in to check and i was down back at 3cm. Pfft. What a bummer. They upped my Pitocin and said to be back to check on me in another 4 hours. I couldn't take it. The contractions were so frequent and intense that i could not find the space in between to even think. I was focusing on the clock which made me more nervous then ever. 4hours came, dilated top 4cm. What??! You mustavbeen kidding me! I thought it was working! 

I was crying and literally begging the doctors to operate on me and that i could not stand the pain any longer. Deaf ears and they upped Pitocin and added 2 more daunting hours before the chief doctor called the shots for me to be delivering baby via emergency c-section.

Got hubby in the room and we were made to sign consent. I saw him cry.. He said he can't bear to see me in so much pain.

He stayed with me till i went into the OT.

At exactly 11.56pm, 10th July 2013, i welcomed Ilan Aydeen to the world. Alhamdulillah, he was perfect. My perfection. 

Ilan Aydeen Bin Marzuki

10 July 2013 - 11.56pm
Weight - 2.49kg
Length - 50cm

To note: Baby of 1st Ramadhan 

Ilan Aydeen Bin Marzuki